I'm really not the jealous type. Honest. But when Dude arrived,
well, I suddenly found myself feeling like I was the most
jealous person in the world. The jealousy monster just kept
growing and growing.
It really took a big bite when Muffy, our loving family
cat, turned against me. She'd been part of the family practically
since I was born. She's always loved me the best. But when
Dude walked through the door, she greeted him with a wet
welcome lick right on his green face.
He
laughed, "Whoa! Awesome, like a canine-kinda critter-type-thingy.
You like, um, totally rock!"
Not
only couldn't the guy speak, but he couldn't even tell the
difference between a dog and a cat! But get this -- he rubbed
her head and looked into her eyes, and he must have put
some wicked spell on her, because I blinked and although
she still looked to me like our darling kitty, Muffy, she
started acting exactly like a dog does. And by the way everyone
treated her, I knew they all saw her as a dog, and they
acted like she'd always been that way! And from that moment
on, Muffy followed Dude everywhere. She wouldn't even come
to me when I offered her a kitty treat. Instead she just
dog-growled at me like I was a complete stranger. Or even
worse, an alien!
I
was even jealous about my sister, Ellie's, reaction. Ellie
is "much too mature" for all my friends, even though she's
only a year-and-a-half older than me. But that night at
dinner she sat there all google-eyed staring at Dude. She
just had to "Ahhh!" and "Oohh..." or laugh as if everything
he said was just the most surprising, intelligent or funniest
thing she'd ever heard. Hello!!!?
Even
Mom and Dad seemed to hang on his every word. They couldn't
stop asking him questions. They, too, seemed so impressed
with the things he said. They acted like he knew more about
everything than they did. I couldn't believe it! I mean
the guy couldn't even form a complete sentence.
"This
like, you know, food-type stuff is SO totally, um, awesome,
Mrs. C..." or "Way to like um, go, Mr. C, that thing you
do, at, you know your work-activity-kind-of-thing. It, um,
totally, you know, rocks."
The things I heard come out of his mouth must have been
totally different from the words everyone else heard, because
he had them all completely captivated.
"Pass
the corn, please," I grumbled for the tenth time that night
at dinner. But no one even heard me. "Like um, please, you
know, like pass the totally awesome corn-type-maze-thingy..."
I tried. Nothing! I seemed to be invisible now that Dude
had arrived.
I couldn't sleep at all that night. It wasn't because I
was nervous about starting the Fifth Grade the next morning,
either. It was because I kept looking over through the darkness
at Dude fast asleep on the other side of MY room. He made
this little snoring sound that didn't sound like any snoring
I'd ever heard. It was more like the buzzing of a flying
saucer, if you ask me. As if he were sending out a signal,
calling any spaceships that might happen to be in the area.
And the glowing green color coming from his bed didn't help
very much, either.
When I finally did drift off to sleep, all I could dream
about were aliens coming down to take over the planet, all
led by Dude himself, of course.
I woke up in the middle of the night with a start, but Dude
was still sleeping peacefully. "That's it," I promised myself.
"I'm going to find out what he's up to tomorrow morning
- even if he turns me into toast ... space toast!"
I was so tired I must have turned off my alarm clock without
realizing it, because the next thing I knew, Mom was calling
from downstairs, "Junior, aren't you up yet?"
I had barely enough time to throw some clothes on and wash
my face before Mom yelled again, "Junior, you're going to
miss the bus!"
Dude apparently had gotten up early and made breakfast for
the family. At least that's what Mom insisted as I rubbed
the crust out of my eyes and stared at the toast on my plate.
It was green and glowing. And it was buttered with something
slimy that kept bubbling up and bursting in gassy clouds
of grey smoke.
"Junior,
you eat that toast!" Mom demanded.
"But,
Mom!" I protested. Dude must have heard me thinking last
night, I thought as I stared at the toxic toast. This must
be some kind of radioactive space toast - and Dude was trying
to get rid of me by nukeing me!
"John
George Chronicles, you eat that toast now!"
I closed my eyes and whispered, "so long world," before
I took a bite. Hmm. It was good. It was great. I gobbled
it down, green slime and all.
"Now
don't forget, honey," Mom said as I licked that delicious
gook off my lips and grabbed my book bag, "introduce Dude
to your friends. It'll be hard for him to be in a strange
place and not know anyone."
Yeah, right. If she only knew. Dude was going to be just
fine. It was going to be me who'd be the outcast alien.
That day was definitely the worst day of my life. I hadn't
seen a lot of my friends since summer had started, and I
was looking forward to hanging out with them again. But
for some reason, no one seemed that interested in seeing
me. Not even my best friend, Artie Taylor. "Oh, hi, Johnny.
Hey, is that Dude? Wow, he is so cool! Introduce me, okay?"
Everyone
just had to talk to Dude. And man, did he "like talk and
um, talk." Everyone thought he was just the coolest kid
ever. It seemed to me that every time he said anything his
words seemed even more ridiculous than the last time he
opened his mouth. But somehow what everyone else heard must
have been something completely different.
Before the day was over, Dude was surely the most popular
kid in the school; I was Mr. Invisible. Even the bus driver
was so busy talking to Dude when he got on the bus to go
home that she closed the door right in my face. Of course,
Dude just had to show off by coming to my rescue. "Like,
whoa um, female-uh-bus-vehicle, you know, manipulator-driver-type
person, your um door-closey-thingy is stuck on that you
know, Johnny-kid's um, well, outer-garment-shirty-thing..."
That's what I heard through the closed bus door. But what
everyone else must have heard to draw a round of applause
from the entire bus, well, I have no idea. All I know is
that I felt so embarrassed walking down the aisle when she
finally opened the door again. Everyone stared at me, as
if the bus driver's blindness had been my fault!
As I climbed up the steps onto the bus, I saw that everyone
was fighting over who would sit next to Dude. Get this -
Dude had the gall to ask me to sit with him. Like he really
meant it. He just wanted everyone to be jealous and mad
at me. I wished I could disappear, and I slunk down the
aisle to sit alone in the last seat on the bus. The one
all the cool kids used to sit in, back in the old days before
they all moved up front to sit near Dude.
That's how it was for weeks. Dude just got more and more
popular, even though his sentences got more and more incoherent.
He was voted Fifth Grade Class President. Everyone dropped
out of the race when he announced that he was running. He
won 257 votes to 1. (Guess who wrote in the one vote for
E.T. - there was no way I was going to vote for Dude, and
I guess I was hoping that someone might get the hint and
phone Dude home!)
Oh, and get this. Dude nominated ME for Vice President,
knowing full well that EVERY popular kid was going to run
against me to be Dude's running mate. I quickly withdrew
my name to avoid being even more completely humiliated than
I already was. But it was too late. Everyone laughed at
me when they passed me in the hall. "Little baby dropped
out of the race ... you're not Vice President material,
you're just Very Pathetic... Junior VP... hah!"
"Oooh,
that Dude! I just knew that everything Dude did was all
part of some secret alien plot to destroy me, and the rest
of the world, too. I was absolutely sure that he had put
a spell on everyone and he was going to take over the whole
planet, or something like that. I wanted to tell him I knew
all about his evil plans, but he was always so busy, we
never had a spare second to talk about it. I kept trying
every night when the lights were off before we drifted off
to sleep, but the second he hit the pillow he was out cold,
and that eerie snoring started. Needless to say, I got very
little sleep each night. I'm sure that's why he snored that
way - to keep me up!
I wanted to tell everyone that he was tricking them all,
but they seemed so happy around him, I felt guilty even
thinking about bursting their bubbles. Besides, whenever
there seemed to be a chance to tell someone that he was
an alien, I felt too wiped out and tired to say anything.
Maybe he had put a spell on me, too? Probably it was just
the lack of sleep, though. There's no way that DUDE could
put a spell on me! I was on to his tricks. But then, I was
addicted to his space toast -- I couldn't seem to start
my day without it. Maybe he was drugging me with that slimy
green delicious gooky stuff.
This is how it went, day in and day out, until one night
I had this strange dream. After that, everything was completely
different.
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